You know how i saw RoboCop before any of y’all did because it came out 2 days early here compared to the States? Well, we could weigh the pro and cons of this until the cows come home and ask us what we’re doing trying to place theoretical concepts on a bathroom scale but i think all of us can agree–cows included–that the real reason everyone is jealous of me is that i got to discover Maura Grierson 2 days before the rest of the world and that means i’m 2 days ahead in the Maura appreciation department. Not only did i discover her first, i also got to interview her about her role as the journalist in RoboCop and tons of other stuff at least as interesting. Read on, if you don’t believe me…

It was the craziest thing, I was sitting in the back of a limousine, sipping gulps from a real glass on my way to accept the Global Award for Sarcastic Humor to acknowledge my generous contributions to the universe of the Internets. i won’t lie, the G.A.S.H. i was about to get excited me and i wondered what it would look like and how it would feel and if i would polish it as often as i did my knob (the brass one that matches my balls). Just when i was trying to decide what to do with the G.A.S.H. when i got it home, the limo stopped so suddenly i sloshed my virgin Grey Goose and coke. The back door flew open and in slid what will momentarily come to be known as the new standard for universal beauty.

This incredible blonde reached for my knob (the plastic one on the radio) and turned up Arcade Fire’s “Reflektor”, ’cause she’s all about the radio. As a matter of fact, i of course recognized Maura Grierson right away from all the radio work she does. 

“Maura Grierson! Famous sexy woman and funny girl! Wow, they really bent their backs overboard for this thing. Imagine, me being interviewed by Maura Grierson!”

“Oh Al,” she said with that way she has, you know that way, the one that says it all in only two words, “you were sent to interview me, you sad, egotistical, teetotaling son of a beach bum. ”

Al K Hall: Damn, i guess that means no GASH for me tonight. Once again, i’ll come home empty handed, so to speak. But enough about my hand, this interview is all about the ‘Maura’. Speaking of, did your parents name you ‘Maura’ because “That’s less for you and Maura for me?” Or wait, “The Maura the better,” right?

Maura Grierson: [She shot me that look she has--you know the one--the one that says, "shut up".] “Maura” is Gaelic for “Mary”. But alas, “Maura” easily gets mistaken for “Moira” or “Laura”.

Al K Hall: Maybe you should work on getting a fresh name?

Maura: When I’m feeling particularly fresh I go by ‘Mo G’, but only a select few know this.

Al K Hall: Got it. You can trust me, i’ll keep that secret to my grave. Like your address.

Maura: I live in Toronto now, but was born in Guelph.

Al K Hall: Whoa, was that a wet burp or are you just happy to taste that drink again? “Guelph” sounds really freaking Canadian, though. Like what’s something super Canadian about you?

Maura: I went to university in Montreal and it was there that I learned overalls shouldn’t be worn to the bar. Funny, overalls are now back in style… so looks like I wasn’t so off point.

Al K Hall: Like you could ever be off point about anything. As far as setting fashion trends, how do the cool kids like you get their kicks?

Maura: I usually play with Jerry for a bit.

Al K Hall: And Jerry’s what you call your…

Maura: Jerry’s my new kitten.

Al K Hall: That’s what i meant, but what about the hard partying life of a rock and roll queen?

Maura: I get up super early for my radio gig so I’m a bit of a nerd weeknights. I like to be in bed by 9:30. Weekend evenings must involve food with friends, then I’m happy.

[Press 'Play' for "Happy", by Pharrell Williams, a song Maura herself requested from the Juiced-box]

Al K Hall: Yeah, “happy”. i bet you are. What’s something you do when you get a get a few bottles’ worth of “happy”?

Maura: I can balance a pint full of beer on my head for as long as you ask me to.

Al K Hall: Better be careful, i can ask people to do stuff for a long time. Is beer the secret to your amazing sense of humor?

Maura: I’m the baby of a 5-kid family. We were loud at dinner tables and verbal abuse was encouraged and considered hilarious the harsher it got. I steal most of my material from my older brothers who are the funniest people I’ve ever met.

Al K Hall: Yeah, but looks aren’t everything. While we’re on the subject of looks, i’d love to see more of your sparkly pants dance like in your “Showhouse Showdown” clip on YouTube. Where would a guy be able to find something like that?

Maura: Oh yes! Check out this  for a break-dancing vignette entitled ‘Maura Grierson Break Dancing’ and thank me later.

Al K Hall: Hell, i’ll thank you now and avoid the rush. That was crazy good, emphasis on the ‘crazy’. How’d you get a start in the break dancing radio business?

Maura: I have always known I wanted to be a performer. As long as I’m on the mic, or in front of a camera I’m happy.

Al K Hall: Which is cooler, the mic or the camera?

Maura:  In radio, you can show up in whatever outfit you want, with no make-up and crazy hair and still put on a great show. In film and TV there are all those extra hours just getting ready to look the part before you even begin to do the work. But I love it all.

Maura Grierson with Lady Gaga

Al K Hall: You host the show Battle of the Blades which as near as i can tell is like a Dancing with Stars on ice skates because it’s Canadian. Don’t you freeze your balls off? Metaphorically?

Maura: I got to be a part of Season 3 of BOTB. I was a competitive figure skater for most of my life and often wondered when I moved on from the sport if I’d ever use what I learned on the ice. When the opportunity came along to work on Battle of the Blades, it seemed like the perfect combination of all of my skill sets. It was awesome to be on the ice again.

Al K hall: That explains so much about your moves. And how you have the poise for the beer on the head thing. Was skating hard?

Maura: 6 am practices 6 days a week for most of my life!

Al K Hall: Jesus, sounds like you’ll take any job as long as you can wake up early in the morning. Were you an early bird to get the worm in RoboCop? If memory serves, your first scene is also the first in the film. You’re a reporter on the scene in Iran with Samuel L Jackson in ‘the studio’. So the shoot was like a real life Argo, i bet.

Maura Grierson in RoboCop

Maura: The scene in Iran was actually shot on a huge outdoor set in Toronto.

Al K Hall: No! Next you’re gonna say the presentation of RoboCop to the public wasn’t filmed in Detroit…

Maura Grierson still in RoboCop

Maura: The Mayor’s presentation of RoboCop was shot at a building at the University of Toronto. They flew me to Vancouver as well for a few scenes.

Al K Hall: You jet setter, you. But the booze, babe: was there a wrap party?

Maura: Yes, there was a wrap party! But I was on my best behavior.

Al K Hall: Wow, what’s that like? ‘Course i’m internationally unknown for being on my best misbehavior, so to each his own, i guess. Obviously, you know how to act in all situations, so if a casting agent or director or whatever is reading this, what’s the best way to contact you?

Maura: MauraGrierson.com

A lucky fan @the Toronto Beer Festival

Al K Hall: Now it’s time for the dreaded Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like my virginity: awkward but the trauma will fade with time. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Maura: Red wine.

Al K Hall: To match your eyes, right? No? OK, moving right along. When was the last time you had a hangover?

Maura: I’m pretty good at avoiding those these days, thank god!

Al K Hall: That’s what they all say, and then they wake up under an overpass with puke on the only shoe they have left. Oh wait, that was just me. Speaking of, what’s your favorite thing about me?

Maura: That you live in [Yeaman]! Great choice.

Al K Hall: Ah well, you know, you don’t choose Yeaman, Yeaman chooses you.

Just at that precise moment, the limo pulled to a complete stop in front of the red carpet. i tried to get out and walk it with Maura but cops were on me faster than penicillin on syphilis, so you’re going to have to be satisfied in knowing that from here Maura went on to become the international superstar that stole our hearts. 

That ends the entertainment portion of our show. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, this whole exchange in the limo never really took place because i never really met Maura face to face. The entire interview was done through e-mail, and while i rearranged and reworked my questions, her answers remain untouched and exactly as she sent them to me.

i owe a big debt of gratitude (which is all i can afford) to Maura for taking the time out of her busy schedule to do this. She graciously accepted my request for an interview…which we knocked out in 2 days because she was pressed for time to get to the RoboCop World Premiere in Los Angeles. While i took my sweet time editing and blowing off, she made a huge effort to entertain us here at the Bar None, so y’all should be grovelling, too. Thanks Maura, for rocking it the hard way.

Signing off, here’s another of the songs she chose from the juiced-box: Souls Of Mischief – From 93 Till Infinity

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

There are tons of ways to get lucky, and they’re all good. Proof of that is how i got lucky with Christina Jeffs.

Who is Christina Jeffs? What if i told you she went by ‘Venice’ in Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street? Remember Venice? The hot blonde dominatrix who used Leonardo Di Caprio’s ass as a candle holder? The one whose name he called out in his sleep and triggered the demise of his marriage? We all dream of being in Venice at least once in our short lives and that’s one definition of getting lucky. When i say i got lucky with Christina, however, i don’t mean i navigated her canal with my gondola, just that she agreed to an interview with me, your tender bartender.

i was waist deep in some Parisian whorehouse, lost and struggling to find the door. Pimps sporting berets and stained sailor shirts joined the heavy whores with crooked hair and wobbly heels drinking toasts in the search party sent to have me tossed from the brothel for sex crimes of the heart because we just can’t have me falling in love with every skinny, doe-eyed strumpet that comes prematurely anywhere near me. i was hiding under the blanket smells of rich desserts and perfume as cheap as a half price harlot, cowering in the self-service elevator and praying that i would somehow be able to escape the brothel with my virtue intact and my virginity found.

Suddenly the doors slid opened and i feared the worst but saw the best, Christina Jeffs had penetrated the dark recesses of the bordello to rescue me from my pursuers who reeked of stinky cheese and dirty panties. She flicked her whip and the leather strap wrapped around my neck so that she could lead me away like a dog on a leash to the safety of a closet bathroom where she plopped down on a rusty bidet and caught my breath.

“Christina Jeffs? The super hot actress who starred all over The Wolf of Wall Street? While we hide out here, can i ask you a few questions for the patronizers of the Bar None?” And she, the sweet petite potato freak that she is, said yes.

Al K Hall: “Christina” is a great name. 

Christina Jeffs: Is it?? Thank you. You are the first person to ever compliment my name!

Al K Hall: Babe, stay with me and i’ll compliment things you didn’t even know you had. It’s such a great name, i bet no one ever gave you any nicknames, right?

Christina: Some people call me CJ, Ceej, Xtina, the Sex Unicorn.

Al K Hall: Sounds horny. Speaking of hot, you used to live L. A.  and commute between there and New York. That sounds more tiring than cleaning hotel rooms under a black light.

Christina: I was just doing the things that people do in their 20s: having a great time, doing weird jobs, staying in relationships 2 years longer than I should have. THE USUAL.

Al K Hall: Really, though, is there a difference between the towns?

Christina: Well, in NY you can start drinking at noon or whenever you want, really, because you don’t have to drive anywhere, and in LA you start drinking later because you have to figure what you’re doing with your car and how many stops, and traffic, and you know–it’s a big to-do figuring out what time you’re allowed to start drinking.

Al K Hall: What’s something i’d only find about you when you were drunk?

Christina: Was I supposed to start drinking at the beginning of this interview so I could properly answer this?? I’ll start now. [She reaches down the front of her dress and pulls out this gleaming bottle of Strawberry Tequila Rose cream liqueur and starts sucking. ]

Al K Hall: Damn, you’re going at that like a babe. Something tells me tequila isn’t your only vice. What else you got?

Christina:  Tequila, gluten….is Instagram a vice?

Al K Hall: It is the way i do it. i don’t know, though. i find it hard to believe a girl as sexy and gifted as you has enough downtime for the internet. Seriously, you have boring evenings?

Christina: A boring evening for me would be, like, a bad bad date. Like, a date with someone who doesn’t know how to converse.

Al K Hall: Hey, me converse goodly.

Christina: Or someone who takes you to their house and watches you while you watch their pilot–

Al K Hall: You babysit pilots?

Christina: –NOT because you asked to see it.

Al K Hall: Ah, TV lingo.

Christina: Or someone who asks you to drive across town, shows up 25 minutes late, and then makes you split the bill. Like, do one of those things, but not all three, right???

Al K Hall: Sorry, i was having my brain washed that day. Never happen again.

Christina: So, ya, being in boring company is boring, but it can make for great material!

Al K Hall: Agreed. Let’s just hook up on Instagram.

Christina:  If that doesn’t work, check Erewhon. I go there way too much.

Al K Hall: Is that because you like French fries weirdly a lot? Seriously, what’s up with you and French fries?

Christina: I just love them.

Al K Hall: What’s your secret recipe?

Christina: If I did make them at home I would use this recipe.

Al K Hall: Do you have any fry burns in the shape of Jesus?

Christina: I don’t want to disappoint you by answering this question.

Al K Hall: Trust me, the only way you could disappoint me would be to marry me.

Christina: No, none of my scars are cool. They are all from curling irons, and toasters, and, like, falling on the treadmill. I’m hoping they fade soon. They’re ruining the landscape of my largest organ.

Al K Hall: You have a penis, too? Doesn’t make you any less hot, regardless. Is it a problem being hot and funny, though? Like people look at you and say, “Oh, you’re so attractive, you can’t possibly be funny on purpose”?

Christina: They don’t say those exact words, but I have heard, “You don’t look funny,” a lot recently.

Al K Hall: Strange, i get that all the time.

Christina: It is never specified that I don’t “look funny” because I am attractive–so we can’t assume–but either way it’s kind of dumb. No one would say to a funny looking person who isn’t funny, “BUT YOU LOOK FUNNY! WHY AREN’T YOU FUNNY!”

Al K Hall: Maybe not, but when people tell me i’m funny, i always say, “Looks aren’t everything.” But we’re drifting away from you and your hotness. Does a girl as talented and beautiful as you have any downtime?

Christina: [Laughing with modesty] Ha! No. Being talented and being beautiful are two of the most grueling, time-consuming activities EVER, and together they take up all of my time. I literally don’t do anything else.

Al K Hall: But we both know that’s not 100% true, don’t we. For example, you play the triangle and the tambourine. Which is harder?

Christina: I gotta go with triangle. I don’t know why.

Al K Hall: Did you let Iggy Pop play your triangle? ‘Cause you toured with him, am i right?

Christina: Who told you that!

Al K Hall: Not important. That one cute friend of yours who now mysteriously has no toenails on her left foot. But is it true?

Christina: Ya, kind of. I was a back up singer in my friend’s band and we were on a mini-tour with Mr. Pop. I was like, “Well, when else am I gonna go play Lollapalooza and go on tour with Iggy Pop? Probably never.” So I did it.

Al K Hall: Did you just call him “Mr. Pop”? You are so fucking adorable! Did he give you your start in “the business”?

Christina: Am I officially in “the business”? I feel like I am just starting. I have no idea what I’m doing.

Al K Hall: I don’t know about that, you sure know your way around the business end of a candle.

Christina: My first jobs were for The Onion News Network TV Show, and 2 Broke Girls. I just auditioned for those, and before that I just did stuff for free, and people I worked with became friends, and then they would recommend me to their friends, and I think that’s pretty much how it works forever.

Al K Hall: Like your comedy show with Risa Sarachan?

Christina Jeffs & Risa Sarachan doing research

Christina: Yes, very much so. We went to NYU together, and had a lot of mutual friends. I was a fan of hers, turns out we both wanted to work on something together, we had some ideas, and then we made them happen!

Al K Hall: Where do you make them happen?

Christina: We have a YouTube Channel, and risaandchristina.com. We’re working on a pilot. It’s pretty fun. And weird.

Al K Hall: Will you make me watch it, and watch me watch it when i do? ‘Cause you should’ve seen me watch you in The Wolf of Wall Street. i watched the shit out of you. You play a dominatrix called Venice…is that typecasting?

Christina: It is definitely NOT typecasting. I am the worst dominatrix. I apologized profusely after every take while peeling the wax of Leo’s back.

Al K Hall: Mmmm, i bet you did a lot of research for a long time.

Christina: Um, i did NO research on dominatrices because it was a last minute decision by Sandy Powell, the costume designer, to make me a dominatrix.

Al K Hall: Really?

Christina: I was supposed to be naked.

Al K Hall: Let’s do that scene right now, shall we? i’ve got the will if you’ve got three minutes. i might be able to make it up to 3 and ½ but don’t hold your breath. No? Have it your way. You were talking about Sandy the costume designer…

Christina: Right before I was supposed to rehearse, Sandy’s assistant came into the hair and makeup trailer, and he was like, “There’s discussion about your costume, we might need a more fierce makeup look”. I was like, “Um, whut costume?”

Al K Hall: Because naked.

Christina: So I go in, and she was like, “I have this Thierry Mugler bodysuit from 1992 I’ve been dying to use in the movie, and I feel like this is it’s moment. If there’s a candle and wax involved, I feel like he [Leonardo DiCaprio's character, Jordan Belfort] called you to perform this specific service.” And I was like, “Perfect.” Then someone is like, “Well, Marty just has to approve it.” And she was like, “He’ll do whatever I want.” Because she’s a badass. But we still showed it to him, and he thought it was great so it stayed.

Al K Hall: How do you describe that scene to people who haven’t seen it?

Christina: “I sodomize Leo with a candle. / I extract a candle from Leo’s ass. / I engage in light anal play with Leo. / I abuse Leo and his anus.” Anything along those lines.

Al K Hall: Works for me. Did you use a real candle on Leo’s real back?

Christina: Ya, it was a Japanese wax drip candle, but it was still super hot, and he was actually in pain.

Al K Hall: i bet he wanted to keep going even after the scene.

Christina: He watched the takes after every scene.

Al K Hall: Really? He wasn’t all over you like hot actresses on free French fries?

Christina: I think the best way to describe him is SUPES PROFESH.

Al K Hall: That’s my favorite stripper’s name! What was the shoot like?

Christina: So so so fun. Marty was giggling the whole time–were all cracking up because candles in the ass are hilarious.

Al K Hall: Ass candles are the origin of the expression “butt of the joke”, in fact.

Christina: Everyone was so cool. I felt like a part of the gang for a minute. The propmaster had been with Marty since Good Fellas, and he was telling me stories. We talked a lot because he was helping me handle the candles.

Al K Hall: i bet he was. Speaking of, how was Martin Scorsese to work with?

Christina: Adorable.

Al K Hall: Did you call him “Marty”?

Christina: I called him “Marty” in my mind, and then ever since I shot the scene I’ve acted like we’re best friends, and I call him “Marty” whenever I talk about him. SO, I guess the answer to that is “no”.

Al K Hall: Was he all nervous and jumpy on the set?

Christina: He wasn’t nervous, he just giggled. Maybe it was nervous giggles, I don’t know! I have to say though, there are few things that make you feel better than making Scorsese laugh so hard that he collapses and rolls around on a bed. Was that a humblebrag? Hang on. I’m playing a drinking game with myself where I have to do a shot every time I humblebrag.

Al K Hall: Maybe you should do a double shot, then. Do you still have nightmares about his eyebrows?

Christina: No! I love a thick brow! I wish mine were bigger like young Brooke Shields! BACK TO ME! AND MY EYEBROWS!

Al K Hall: AND THE BOOZE! Because this is for the Bar None, i gotta ask if there was a wrap party.

Christina: Like, beyond my personal wrap party where I drank my margarita and cried into my guacamole for 5 for 1 because I was sad to be done? Probably, but I wasn’t invited.

Al K Hall: Damn but i love a good guac. In a gross miscarriage of judgment, you weren’t nominated for an Academy Award.

Christina: WHAT?!

Al K Hall: How pissed off are you?

Christina: PRETTY PISSED.

Al K Hall: Now’s your chance: i present you with your Oscar, what do you say in your speech?

Christina: I probably just cry and think of great things to say, and people I forgot to thank as soon as I get off stage.

Al K Hall: Anyway, now that The Wolf of Wall Street is going to make you an international star–

Christina: –ha–

Al K Hall: –what do you have your sights set on?

Christina: I want to play Jason Mantzoukas‘ love interest in The League.

Al K Hall: You’re too good for him. Plus, after this chat, no one will be able to get enough of you so what’s the best way to get the most of you?

Christina: For immediate, consistent stuff, you can subscribe to my YouTube channel! I just put out a movie about Ranch dressing, and I have a bunch more coming up. [AlKHallism: i just watched the Ranch Documentary and lloled (literally laughed out loud)--you've got to see the Wine with Ranch scene, especially as i'm thinking about adding that to the menu.]

Al K Hall: Because you gave me the idea for Ranch wine for the Bar None, it think it’s only fair we cut right to the Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like filming a nude scene…because that’s what i’ll be doing. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?

Christina: Tequila / rocks / lime.

Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?

Christina:  March 11th because march 10th was my birthday.

Al K Hall: Happy birthday! And speaking of, what’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear? A lot?

Christina:  I swear so fucking much. I think my favorite word is “fuck”.

Al K Hall: Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?

Christina: Your MYSTERY! And your great taste in minor characters in The Wolf of Wall Street.

Al K Hall: Tell me something i don’t know!

Christina: Ranch dressing was the first dairy-based dressing that was shelf stabilized. Clorox bought the recipe for the dressing for 8 million dollars in 1972–it was just buttermilk, mayonnaise, and herbs–from Hidden Valley Ranch, and then they tweaked the recipe with the right chemicals so that people could enjoy it long after it hit the shelves. It was an instant hit, and it’s still the nation’s #1 dressing.

Al K Hall: Any last words?

Christina: FIND ME ON INSTAGRAM AND THESE DON’T HAVE TO BE OUR LAST WORDS!

She’s hotter than bacon, y’all

And with that, she yanked my chain and pulled me out of les toilettes. With her innate sense of Parisian bordellos, she successfully evaded our pursuers by smelling their cheese sweats until, like most things French, they decided to surrender and accept their fate with a  philosophical abandon and a bottle of cheap wine. 

Which, tragically, brings this interview to an end. Let me just remind you that, to my great chagrin, Christina and i were never together in a French maison close, or anywhere else on this physical plane. Our entire interview was conducted via email and though i changed a lot of shit up to make my parts more interesting, i left her words exactly as she sent them because why tamper with perfection?

i’d like to thank Christina Jeffs for being such a good sport about this and putting up with all my bullshit. It’s a lot to ask from anyone, yet Christina was inordinately generous, especially during this busy period in TV / pilot land. If anyone asks you about Christina Jeffs, tell them that in addition to being spectacularly beautiful, she’s SUPES PROFESH (and not in the stripper sense).

If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Alicia Keys ft. Kendrick Lamar – It’s On Again

Ramblings: The Adequate Spider-man 2

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a hot girl at a party? You already met her before and feel comfortable with her even if she was a little boring but she still was pretty cool and you were kind of looking forward to seeing her again so it puts a smile on your face when you walk into the room and find her there. Then you guys start hanging out and she’s doing keg stands in a mini skirt so you’re thinking it’s gonna be a hearty party but then she comes over to where you’re sitting on the sofa and plops down beside you and starts talking about all of her problems like her ex and how her life is complicated and her dead uncle and her crappy job and how money is tight and you listen politely because she’s hot but you’re only waiting for her to turn things up a notch again, which she finally does at the end so the evening wasn’t a total waste but you’d be a hell of a lot more interested in seeing her again if she’d grabbed your attention and squeezed the entire time. The Amazing Spider-man 2 is so like that girl and so like that party.

“I got blue balls!”

i had an extremely not unpleasant time seeing this film. Pro’lly most of the people reading this want to see it too so i’ll start off with the good shit. Like the special effects were great from beginning to end, but at an estimated production cost of $200,000,000, you get what you pay for. Also, Andrew Garfunkel (Garfield, whatever) acts better in this one than he did the first one. Plus, the musical score kicked ass. There you go. If you don’t want to see me criticize this movie until it cries like a little bitch, you should stop here.

“Imma punch your punk ass.”

Because the special effects were good but designed for 3D, so if you see it in 2D, you’ll catch yourself wondering what it would look like in 3D and that’s distracting. Or maybe it’s just me. And Andrew Garfield (like the cat but less funny and he reminds me of Art Garfunkel’s love grandchild) acts better than the first one but still not really well. Even Emma Stone only brought her C game, which is the grade she would’ve gotten if this was a class, of which she had none.

“Hang on a sec.”

My main complaint about The not-so-Amazing Spider-man 2 was the lack of bad guy screen time. The bad guys they had rocked but they just weren’t in the movie enough. They were kind of like rap stars that get paid shitloads of money to make an appearance at a club and then after they show their faces, they take off to go to a better place and have fun. That’s what the antagonists (Greek word for ‘bad guys’, or Uncle Agonist’s wife) did in this movie.

“Guess who I ran into, today…”

Look, you and i both know i’m not going to talk you out of seeing this movie (like i actually did to a real guy with Pompeii) and i’m not even trying to. All i’m doing is telling you to be realistic and don’t get your hopes up about a movie that gets things done, but takes the long way to get there.

Driving a hard bargain

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 shot

Am i the only one who heard that story about Emma Stone a couple years ago that she was in a bathroom before she was famous like she is today and these two young girls came up to her for an autograph and she treated them like shit, telling them to get a life and that she was too good for their asses? i swear i heard this and since then, i can’t find it in my heart to find her sexy again. OK, that’s bullshit, of course i find her sexy, i’m a straight guy with eyes and a beating heart, but because i have a heart i can’t think of her as anything more than just eye candy.

These expressions are 99% of every relationship. The other 1% is sex. Which is enough to put up with the other 99%.

And the candy shop was closed here because she was almost as covered up as Spider-man for the entire film and, let’s face it, as a blonde she looks pretty–ridiculous. We’re a long way from Easy A. In other words, before the movie, stock up on your eye candy here, where she’s cheaper.

Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

And here’s a free shot for you patrons. It’s Emma Stone hanging out with her hot besties. Ah, how i’d love to come between friends.

i’d love to come between friends

Speaking of, check this out.

There’ll be some more shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom of this post, so just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.

The other sexual frustration in the movie was Felicity Jones (as Felicia). She’s this beautiful young English lass and she was on screen about as much as the bad guys, which means not nearly long enough. You get to see a lot more of her here than there, and i do mean ‘more’ of her.

Felicity Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s a handful of shots of her in my drawers as well, rubbing on top of the ones of Emma Stone.

Silken Butterflies

The lovely Jessica Abo plays herself, which means the role of a TV reporter, and she’s all over the news in New York (as a presenter, not a psycho zombie lead story). Look how pretty:

For those of you more interested in Spider Men than Spied Her Lady Parts, Dane DeHaan (the guy from Chronicle) was the sweetest meat in this.

Dane DeHaan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Drink: 1 Shot

Nothing to write home about, or in this review either for that matter. There were a couple of scenes where we see Harry Osborn drink scotch from a decanter and one time he complains to his dying father about how for his sixteenth birthday he got a bottle of scotch and a card from his dad’s assistant.

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

Definitely the best part of the movie and i would have gone higher if there’d been more action. i didn’t want to say anything up top because of the Spoilers thing but down here i already gave a spoiler warning so if you’re still reading and you don’t want any spoilers you should stop right now.

Harold looks like shit

Because the bad guy (Jamie Foxx as Electro) was a cool looking mother fucker but he wasn’t in most of the movie. He made an appearance at the end for the main fight but that was basically it. Same with the Green Goblin. In a supreme moment of WTF, Harry happens to find a Green Goblin suit standing right in front of him when he’s suffering from the side effects of injecting spider venom into himself and then he flies off in it to fight Spider-man at the end of the movie, too. And then, also at the end of the movie, Spider-man fights Rhino but it’s so at the end of the movie that they don’t even have time to finish fighting before the credits roll.

The Hard-nosed approach

The other really cool hing was the music, by Hans Zimmer who made the right choice to go electronic because of the enemy being Electro and all. i’m not even a big fan of that kind of “music” but what they put here worked for me and especially for the movie.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci & Jeff Pinkner - (screenplay)

Alex Kurtzman , Roberto Orci, Jeff Pinkner and James Vanderbilt - (screen story)

Stan Lee and Steve Ditko - (Marvel comic book)

Directed by: Marc Webb

Starring

Emma Stone – Gwen Stacy
Felicity Jones – Felicia
Jessica Abo – NY1 Reporter
Andrew Garfield – Spider-Man / Peter Parker
Jamie Foxx – Electro / Max Dillon
Dane DeHaan – Green Goblin / Harry Osborn

Bottom Line

Would lose a battle against any of the Avenger Superhero movies (except Ironmen 2 & 3, who both sucked).

As a small PS, while i’m not a big fan of either Emma Stone or Alexander Garfield (wait, wasn’t that a US president?), i do want to give them props for this:

Nice move: Credit where credit is due

Another Round

The Rod takes a look at the first in the series

Because WTF!? reviews are funny as shit

WTF!? review of a hotter Emma Stone by Saint Pauly

Booze Revooze: Captain America kicks Spidey’s ass

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing left but some of those NSFW photos i talked about up there.

Emma Stone

Bare AssAssin Skirt

Emma Stone in the Bar None

Felicity Jones

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

[AllKHallism: i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child's film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. While Maleficant was PG, The Bar None: High and Dry is definitely NC-18. If you keep reading beyond this point, you only have yourself to blame, perv.]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Lana Del Ray - Once Upon a Dream

[Press 'Play' for sleepy beauty]

As i’m posting this review a day before its US release, i’m posting a screen shot i snapped as proof i actually did see this.

Ramblings: Magneficent

Final Proof: 4½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a blonde? She sits down at your table and you know exactly what tricks she’s got up her sleeves so you settle in with a smirk on your face and sip your drink while you wait for her to get ridiculous and puke in her purse. But right from the beginning she seems normal and even a little cool, so you sit up and take notice and start getting into the conversation with her while she casts her spell on you. The amazing thing is she doesn’t get drunker and sloppier and stupider but gets more interesting and more sincere and by the end of the binge you’re praying she can pull off her exit without letting you down, breaking your heart and cursing your luck. Fortunately, she takes her leave with subtle magic and you’re so impressed with your evening you stand up and applaud as she walks away. Angelina Jolie is not that blonde, but Maleficant sure is.

‘High’ Five

The best movie i’ve seen so far this year. i don’t worship at the cult of Angelina Jolie, i’m Disney neutral - neither loving nor hating everything they do on principal because i have none – i’m older than 9 (though i don’t usually act like it), and i thought this movie killed. One of the things i liked best about it was that it gets better as it goes on. Every other movie i’ve seen in recent memory starts off interesting and then keeps fading until it’s basically trying to end with as much dignity as it can muster before ending up in a walk of shame. Not Maleficent and not by a long shot.

Maleficent uses her Roofie spell

i’m just glad i got to see Maleficent before the US release because i know you guys and you’re going to find new and usual ways to hate on this film. Fortunately, i saw it before the haters got their eyes on it so i get these few days where i can enjoy the movie with a buzz as pure and innocent as Sleeping Beauty on lite beer.

Looking back on this movie, there are no real missteps (which is official movie review talk for ‘fuck-ups’) and, to be totally honest, the first ¾s of the film were above average but still average adjacent. What pushed this film over the top for me was how it took the traditional bullshit Disney concept of “True Love” being akin to date rape and turned it on its ass.

“Sorry, I don’t like the white ones.”

Who should see this? Parents and their kids. i couldn’t scare up any children to take to this but one of the things that impressed me was how the stereotypes were challenged, so little kids might have trouble seeing the shades of grey that lay beneath the vibrant colors. Kids older than 10 or whatever, should get this though. Especially if they’re your kids because you’re clearly in the top 10% of smart people, seeing as how you’re reading this blog and all. Also those people who have a little kid living inside them, kicking and screaming and laughing and crying and farting and feeling everything just a touch too deeply.

Who shouldn’t see this film? Jaded mother fuckers looking to get their rocks off. Tired souls who aren’t looking to feel but to be felt. Soulless zombies who’ve forgotten how to live. But if that’s you, you wouldn’t be here, you’d be trashing me on reddit.

A little prick

Before we go any further, i have to card two of the actresses. As they’re under 18, i won’t post any pictures of them in the sexy section of this post and i won’t post any sexy candids of them. i’ll include only photos the actresses posed for on purpose.

First up is Elle Fanning (16) who will be beautiful when she’s 18 or over. She was perfect for the role of Aurora / Sleeping Beauty because she’s talented enough to act well but young enough to channel the innocence she’s got running in her veins and bring it to the surface. There was a genuine purity to her performance that it reached down from the screen and touched me.

Elle Fanning Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Also just in under the wire is Ella Purnell, who played Teen Maleficent, a role she’s perfectly qualified to play, being that she’s 17 and all.

Ella Purnell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Angelina Jolie was hot in a Skeletor way and that’s not even a joke. She did a good job acting as well, but her job was a lot easier than Aurora (Elle Fanning) because basically Maleficent is just a bitch through most of the movie and delivers all her lines in this smoldering bitchy way which seems to come pretty easy to Angelina.

Still, this was a good movie and she was the star so i gotta give credit where it’s due, especially when remembering she can look like this, or at least she did once upon a time.

Angelina Jolie Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are a lot more single shots of her stuffed in my drawers at the far bottom of this post.

Also appearing in Maleficent is the ultra hot Juno Temple. “Juno Temple?” “No, but i’d like to.” She plays a CGI fairy and she even looks cute when she’s a computer copy of herself, and if this isn’t the next porn thing, well, then something else probably will be.

Juno’s on the left and reminds me of Saint Pauly (a little fairy)

Gobs more shots of her looking far sexier in the drawers. Scroll all the way down.

Silken Butterflies

For the Silken Butterflies in Maleficent, we have two beautiful women who were on screen only long enough to make us wish they were on a lot more.

Starting off is the lovely Hannah New and i bet she did when she decided to look gorgeous. She plays the Princess Leila and while she doesn’t have nearly enough screen time, her charm fills the screen while she’s there.

Hannah New in the Bar None

Following that up is the lovely Marama Corlett, who played a servant but did it while looking this good.

As for the sex in Maleficent, i’d be lying if i said there wasn’t any because there was, if you count two kisses as ‘sex’.

Every frat party ever

Drink: 0

None. Not even, any magic potions. Keep moving, nothing to read here.

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

The only real music was the Lana Del Ray and, let’s be honest, i think Lana Del Ray is the coolest thing since whatever the fuck this is

Something Lana no doubt uses

but she’s not rock and roll. The incidental music wasn’t rock and roll either, but the special effects were pretty rock and roll. There were a couple action scenes even if this isn’t an action movie and the cinematography (fancy film-speak for ‘the purdy pictures’) was purdy. i’ll go 3 shots on that shit.

Got wood? He does.

Boring Technical Crap

She’s pretty horny

Written by:

Written by Linda Woolverton
Based on the story “La Belle au bois dormant” by Charles Perrault

Directed by: Robert Stromberg

Starring

Elle Fanning – Aurora
Angelina Jolie – Maleficent
Juno Temple – Thistletwit
Hannah New – Princess Leila
Ella Purnell – Teen Maleficent
Marama Corlett – Servant

Bottom Line

If you’re cool enough to have made it this far, you should definitely see this movie.

Another Round

WTF!? Review of the Lord of the Rings trilogy

The Hot Rod gives us a nice review of another Disney effort

A Dregs article on why Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt broke up

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Basically everything from here on out is especially NC-18 and NSFW. Good luck.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie loves Booze

Angelina Jolie in bed in the Bar None

Juno Temple

Juno Temple in the Bar None

Juno Temple after the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Yeah, i got to see this on October 1, a full 9 days before y’all in the States. And because i know you don’t believe me – and who can blame you – here’s the obligatory ticket shot.

Ramblings: Bad Blood

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk in Eastern Europe? You think it’s going to be all exotic and that the cocktails will all be different and everyone you meet will be fascinating and that you’ll come away from the trip with stories that will have people buying you drinks wherever you go. Except beer is beer even in foreign places and the people there drink just like your asshole friends back home and the bars smell the same only dirtier and the bartenders rip you off with short drinks that are watered down before the waitresses overcharge you so the only stories you come away with are the same ones you already have, only less interesting. That’s what Dracula Untold is like.

Dracula Untold has been told so many times before i struggled to stay awake.

It’s been told many times over and better to boot. Like the directing was better in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the script was better in The Hunger, and the action was better in From Dusk Till Dawn. There was a lot of money dropped on Dracula Untold, and like a tart who gets tarted up for a night out, the film looked the part. Unfortunately, just like that same tart at the end of the evening, Dracula doesn’t deliver anything more than a token kiss with only a little tongue.

The dialog sucked hard like a vampire, too. Every fucking line was super melodramatic and then the actors read them like they were their final words and it was so bad that you wished they were.

Not that i’m the kind of asshole who’s just going to rag on a film without hitting the good points. For example, the look of the film was great. The production costs must’ve been high and it was all on the screen with the rich images and epic landscapes that made me want to watch Lord of the Rings again. Plus, Dracula Untold had some good actors like Dominic Cooper, who did a better job here with a Turkish accent than he did in Need for Speed with his normal accent.

Which reminds me, if you’re Turkish and reading this – wow, you must be really fucking lost. Also you probably don’t want to see Dracula Untold because they trash ancient Turkey more than i’m trashing this film.

You know who might like this movie? Kids. If you’re a kid and reading this then you’re even more lost than those Turkish dudes, but Dracula Untold is a good vampire movie for those of you whose only experience with vampires was Twilight. For the rest of us, though, this’ll leave you thirsty for something harder.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

A disappointment but i can’t say i was surprised. Or i could say it, but everyone would know i was lying because if you look at the cast on the IMDb page, 14 of the first 15 actors listed are men. In other words, be ready to get a long look at the unfairer sex for a long fucking time.

That one woman mentioned is the lovely Sarah Gadon, who showed as much skin as a Muslim woman in a body veil under a pile of quilts in Antarctica. This kind of bummed me out because Sarah’s not afraid to go full frontal, as she so bravely showed in Enemy [follow the link and get the exact times she bared more than her soul - thanks to Saint Pauly]. i blame it on American prudery and this is how i choose to fight that onslaught:

Sarah Gadon Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

There’s more single shots of her at the bottom of this post, in my drawers.

Silken Butterflies

One beautiful young lady flitted across the screen so fleetingly that her absence stirred a melancholy inside me. Whatever Dracula Untold‘s, at least Dilan Gwyn as the Governess made me feel something deeply.

Dilan Gwyn Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

There’s some single shots of her rolling around in my drawers at the end of this post as well.

Drink: 0 Shots

Vampires suck and then they swallow, like much of this film, but they don’t drink booze. There was only one scene where alcohol flowed in copious quantities and that was an Easter feast. A Feaster, i guess you could say and if you don’t, i will.

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

The action was definitely the best part of the movie, and to be fair, the film does move along quickly. As quick as a bat, if i may be so bold – and i may. Like my sex life, however, there was a lot of action but nothing new or exciting. They were just going through the motions and when it was over you felt satisfied but not in the mood for anything more.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless

Directed by: Gary Shore

Starring

Sarah Gadon – Mirena
Dilan Gwyn – Governess
Luke Evans – Vlad
Dominic Cooper – Mehmed

Bottom Line

i’d wait and download this later. It isn’t worth the 10 bones to see it in the theater and you can watch the Francis Ford Coppola version in the meantime. You’ll thank me later.

This gift brought to us by Saint Pauly

Another Round

WTF!? takes a hilarious look at this vampire offering

Booze Revooze of a way cooler vampire movie

Fernby Films awesome review of Blade

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The words are over, the rest is for y’all who only like looking at the pretty pictures.

Sarah Gadon

Dilan Gwyn

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Fever Ray – If I Had a Heart

[Press 'Play' for part of a killer soundtrack: Fever Ray - If I Had A Heart]

To prove to y’all i got to see this on the 1st of October, here’s a couple cell phone shots i took.

Ramblings: No Ifs, Ands or Butts

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a spoiled girl? It’s not her fault her parents gave her everything she wanted but there she sits, over dressed, drinking champagne and eating lobster hors d’oeuvres, never looking directly at you or trying to get you to like her. She’d look better in jeans than that fancy ass dress and she’d be easier to like of she was ordering beer and she’d be more fun if she was a little hungrier and a little more desperate. One of the little known life lessons spoiled girls have yet to learn is that there’s a certain sexy in desperate. Which is not what Horns was like.

The weird thing is, i know i liked this fucking movie because i remember how i felt watching it, but ever since i left the theater i keep thinking about all the shit that got up my nose. Maybe i’ll make like i ate salmonella tacos to get all the shit out of my system so i can find the gold nuggets lurking inside.

Here’s what got my goat about Horns. This movie had so much money thrown at it that it lost its focus and wasn’t in a hurry to get to the ending. This was because the movie is based on a book and if i ever stop reading WTF!? i might read that book because i’m sure it was cool, but a movie isn’t a book — that’s why they have different words for them. What happens when you try to stick too close to the book is you end up with a lot of WTF because the reason why characters do shit isn’t explained like in a novel. A smart director would dumb it down and put everything up on the screen.

Then there were the flashbacks… This film had more childhood flashbacks than a Stephen King book, for chrissakes. i kept trying hard to care, i swear i did, but like a hook handed masturbator, i just couldn’t get there.

The other thing that prodded me to dislike Horns was Daniel Radcliffe. He’s a great little actor (he did a nice job of an American accent here) and he’s going to make some lucky guy a lovely wife one day, but to see him as a romantic lead was a stretch. Especially because the film is based on the depth of the love between Ig (short for ‘Ignatius’ and obviously symbolic of some shit, but i can’t be bothered to figure out what that might be) and Merrin Williams, where Juno Temple plays Merrin and Daniel Radcliffe plays a man. Like prostitutes next to hospitals, i wasn’t buying into that, which has more to do with how he looked than his acting because he can act like a man just as well as the next guy.

There’s a lot to like here, though, i swear. i’m a fan of Alexandre Aja who made Piranha 3D look good and who killed it in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes. Sure, you could argue he’s getting worse as time goes on, but that’s you. As for me, i’m sure he’ll turn things around and get the passion for filming back that he once had. Regardless, he knows what he’s doing and so he’s like this French seducer who’s expert at making you feel good while he’s screwing you, as long as you don’t care his heart isn’t in it.

Should you see it? Hell yes, especially if you’re going to see more than one movie this month.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½

You know what this movie needed more of? Nudity. Of course i say that about every movie but this one had some really hot girls and some gratuitous flesh would have helped me gloss over some of Horns‘ flaws.

Here’s a quick rundown of my notes…

• “Are you horny?” Merrin asks Ig in the first line of dialog in the film
• Housewife banging her golf pro doggy style and they’re both clothed
• Young Ig looks through a Playboy
• Juno Temple bare ass and side boob
• [Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed
• Guy [Eric Pollins as Exhibitionist barfly] wants to show everyone his dick in a bar and goes full frontal [think of you, Saint Pauly]
• [Speaking of Saint Pauly] Gay cops get off in the front seat of the cruiser

There were some lovely shots of Juno Temple, but then every shot of her is lovely. For those of you looking to see how much i appreciate her, check out the 0-5 Shot reviews of Maleficent, Kaboom and Mr Nobody.

There was also the gorgeous Kelli Garner, as Glenna Shepherd, the waitress who fucks to be loved. Remember how up there i talked about how a little desperation is sexy in a girl? If Horns looked and felt like Glenna looked and behaved, it would’ve had a lot more heart.

Kelli Garner Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’ll be some single shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom. Just keep scrolling down till you see her smiling cleavage.

Also making an appearance was the amazing Heather Graham who is still as stunning as the time she showed us her boobs in Boogie Nights and a good slang name for that flick would be Boobie Nights because that’s how much of a revelation her chest was. Speaking of revealing chests…

Heather Graham Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

i got some single shots of her in my drawers as well. Just scroll the way down.

Silken Butterflies

One of the actresses who was onscreen far too briefly to contain all of her talent was the exquisite Kendra Anderson, who played Nurse Delilah, like in “[Flashes of] Nurse naked doing doctor on a squeaky chair beside the surgical bed” from the Sex section up above. Here’s a toast to seeing a lot more of her in the future.

Drink: 3 Shots

There was a surprising amount here, to tell you the truth and that’s all i know how to do. Most every scene had a drink in it and like i mention in the next section, an argument could be made to the claim that the way people react to Ig’s horns is super similar to how people act when they’re drunk. You know me – and if you don’t i’m the one to blame – i don’t like to argue so i’ll shut up about it, but there’s some similarity.

Here’s the drinking shit shot by shot:

Anyone recognize that bottle?

• Ig wakes up upside down, passed out next to an empty bottle of…? Whiskey?
• Bar in the morning. Whiskey shots, beer chasers for the old men. Ig drinks beer from the bottle in a tree house.
• Ig wonders if he got blackout drunk and killed Merrin.
• Whiskey shots at the jazz club. Daniel’s brother [Joe Anderson as Terry Perrish] drinks whiskey from the bottle out of a bag
• [Ig, Merrin and Lee Tourneau (Max Minghella) are] Drinking beer and holding up album covers over their faces in a flashback
• Brother [Terry] doing coke and drinking whiskey from a scotch glass

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

Aja let me down here. Look at the poster, for example, you’d think a guy with horns would use them for cool things and i’m not even talking about fetish shit (although that would’ve been a welcome addition). But no. The only things the horns do is make people say and do what they really think deep down. Like a bottle of Jäger without the rush.

Still, there were some good tunes, though, so i’ll put up two shots for that. Like there was Marilyn Manson’s version of “Personal Jesus” while journalists got into a brawl.

Plus the action at the end got good, especially with all the snake attacks.

Anyway whatever, here’s a lot of the soundtrack:

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Joe Hill (novel)
Keith Bunin (screenplay)

Directed by: Alexandre Aja

Starring

Juno Temple – Merrin Williams
Heather Graham – Veronica
Kelli Garner – Glenna Shepherd
Kendra Anderson – Nurse Delilah
Daniel Radcliffe – Ig Perrish

Bottom Line

The film is Gwyneth Paltrow: it looks good, even if it gets a little lost and pretentious.

A gift from Saint Pauly

Another one

Another Round

Booze Revooze of another horny character

WTF!? of the film “Horns” wanted to be

Fernby Films reviews another monster movie

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

The review is finished, let the revue begin. From here on out, let’s call it NSFW.

Heather Graham

Kelli Garner

Kelli Garner in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Leo Reisman (Cole Porter) - You Do Something To Me

[Press 'Play' for the traditional Woody Allen jazz shit]

Ramblings: Cheap tricks

Final Proof: 3 shots

You know how you get drunk with a magician? For the first couple drinks you’re pretty amazed by his illusions and you find yourself wanting to believe there is something special going on, something beyond the everyday, something extra-ordinary. But it doesn’t take long for you to see through the tricks, and the magic, like the buzz, isn’t real at all - it’s artificial, it’s an illusion and once you see through it, you leave disappointed and feeling you could’ve made more magic yourself. That’s the not so special effect of Magic in the Moonlight.

Pinocchio as a cross dresser

Top hats off to Woody Allen for making a film a year, which makes him one of the most prolific filmmakers of his generation but then most of his generation is dead. The problem is, if a guy faps once an hour, the consistency of his… creative juices lessens and gets a little sloppy over time. If a magician never stops doing tricks, the tricks start to look the same after awhile. There’s only so many ways you can saw a woman in half. Legally.

i’m a big fan of Woodies. i’m also kind of a fan of Woody Allen. i especially like when he does magical realism. Alice, The Purple Rose of Cairo, even Midnight in Paris really work for me. i find most of his other movies, though, are like rum drinks in a mall bar: bland, ordinary, and weak. Magic in the Moonlight had the chance to make the right choice, but in the end decided it was too lazy. No one likes it when it’s too lazy in the end, ask Neil Patrick Harris.

“God’s penis is actually rather small”

i say that, but this movie wasn’t a total waste. The story line was like my porn, interesting and satisfying and the ending caught me by surprise. Probably the best thing overall about Magic in the Moonlight was Emma Stone. You probably remember that i still hate Emma because of a rumor years ago before she was super famous that she was a supreme bitch to a couple of young teen girls who approached her for an autograph. While i can’t forgive that, i have to admit that she’s fun to watch on screen. She’s cute and she has a sparkly charm that helps pass the time so that, even if the movie isn’t all that engaging, at least she is.

“And then I’ll show you how I got the nickname ‘Woody’.”

If you like Woody Allen, you’ll probably like this one, and if you don’t like him, sorry i didn’t bash him more.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

Before i get balls balls deep into the sex, i want you to grasp something big about this movie. This movie is a romantic comedy between a man who is 54 years old and a girl who is 26. Not judging, but it’s obviously a Woody Allen movie and maybe even a little based on his life except, in the movie, the girl isn’t her lover’s daughter.

To be fair to the movie, i didn’t notice this age thing until some girl pointed it out to me afterwards. Which probably says less about me than you already know.

Whatever, Emma Stone was 24-25 when she made this movie and it’s not my fault that she looks like this.

Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s more single shots of her in my drawers, down there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.

As for the sexy in Magic in the Moonlight, here are my sex notes, blow by blow:

• Emma Stone is super cute in her hat
• Emma Stone closeups are breathtaking
• Emma Stone dancing [is like watching new angels learn to fly]
• Stanley [Colin Firth] and Sophie [Emma Stone] kiss at the happy ending

Silken Butterflies

Just one this time, and not a beginner either. The very lovely Catherine McCormack was both in 28 Days Later and Braveheart, though she wasn’t in this movie nearly long enough (as Olivia, Stanley / Colin Firth‘s girlfriend).

Drink: 2 Shots

Most of Woody’s movies have tons of booze in them, though they don’t usually play an important role, so that’s why i’m throwing up 2 shots here. Interesting that they have alcohol in almost every scene and i, as an alcoholic in recovery, wasn’t even tempted once. Maybe i’m past the cravings or maybe Woody doesn’t know how to film booze.

• Scotch in bar where one magician asks another to investigate a medium
• Drinks at house before meeting Sophie [Emma Stone]
• Stanley asks for wine visiting his Aunt Vanessa’s [Eileen Atkins] house after lunch
• Dancing champagne in hand at the ball
• Lots of champagne glasses as props to the sunrise after the ball [WTF!?]
• “Perhaps I can scare up a whiskey.”
• “We should break out champagne!” Celebrate Aunt Vanessa’s health
• Wine at Aunt Vanessa’s when [Stanley] realizes he loves Sophie
• Drinks at a bar forgiving his friend [Simon McBurney as Howard Burkan]
• Vanessa: You need a drink. What will you have? Stanley: A scotch. (After breakup)

Rock & Roll: 0 shots

Woody Allen is a jazz freak and just a freak but knows nothing about rock, either for action or music.

For those of you who kept a couple of shits to give, here’s the soundtrack recreated on Spotify. (i had to substitute versions of some of the songs for what was available.)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Woody Allen

Directed by: Woody Allen

Starring

Emma Stone – Sophie
Catherine McCormack – Olivia
Eileen Atkins – Aunt Vanessa
Ute Lemper – Cabaret Singer
Colin Firth – Stanley
Simon McBurney – Howard Burkan

Bottom Line

If it’s between this and something else, choose something else. If there’s nothing else on, you could do worse than this.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of another Allen film

WTF!? review of an Emma Stone film

Fernby Film review of another kind of comedy

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

So the words are finished and so is all the PG-13. What follows are Emma Stone pics that are mildly NSFW

Emma Stone

Emma Stone in the Bar None

Emma Stone in the Bar None

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Not from the juiced-box but the soundtrack: Billy Boyd – The Last Goodbye

[Press ‘Play’ for maybe the only thing gayer than a hobbit]

For those reading this the day before the US release, here’s the smart phone proof i got to see it before y’all. Don’t hate the player, hate me.

Ramblings: Happy Ending

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk on bumblewine with wee tiddlers in the Land of Nodd? The yarns they spindle numb your senses and you feel the weight of night petals settle over your eyes and pull you into Slumberland like a boat of Fire Mead. You’re able to dull out the incessant blades of their boredom as they harp out of tune tales meant for children and petty criminals. Just as you decide you’ll suckle the last dram from the bottom of the caphorn and be on your way, the stories finally become interesting. Like the whelm of the liquor, their tales turn to epic sagas of bravery and sacrifice, of blood and courage, of death and magic. You find yourself captivated by the heartbeat of their tongues, your eyes are regaled by their words and you’re happy you stayed the course and settle into the comfortable inebriation of the night realm. That’s what The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies was like.

Nobody wanted to see this movie less than me. i already saw the first one (The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey), and if that wasn’t bad enough (and it was pretty bad, trust me) i even saw the second one, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. That’s how bad i want to please you, and trust me, it was pretty bad.

So i was all set to sleep through this third and – thank you fucking god – final installment of this most boring orgy of hobbit porn but then something happened i could never have counted on. i actually liked this movie. It was pretty fucking good.

What did i like about this one i didn’t like about the others? Uhm, what’s the word i’m looking for… Oh yeah: EVERYTHING. Like in the first two movies Peter Jackson couldn’t decide if he wanted to make a kiddie movie or a barely intense action flick and so he went to both extremes and the film got lost in the middle. Or there was tons of talking in the other two. People and non-people alike just walked around yapping about nothing at all. And there were moments of action but they were so spread out it reminded me of my sex life and this depressed the shit out of me more than the depths of boring we descended into.

But not with The Battle of the Five Armies. The movie kicks off in high gear with a dragon attack and doesn’t slow down much from there. There’s enough action but, more importantly, less useless dialog and i won’t even talk about the final battle which takes up the last third of the film which is pure spectacle.

Hell, i didn’t even remember the snooze-fests that were the fist two films and i still understood what was happening here and was able to follow along. You know what was too bad? This film is a lot closer to the original LotR trilogy and if Jackson had made the first two Hobbit movies like this one, he would’ve ascended into Assguard (or whatever) and hung out with the gods.

As it is, at least he finished on a high note.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0

Not even a kiss. Then again, looking at the cast, that’s probably a good thing. And now that i think about it, there probably was a kiss between Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly) and Kili, her Dwarf (or whatever) boyfriend. The good news in that sentence is that Evangeline Lilly was in this movie, so i get to spend some time looking up pictures like this.

Evangeline Lilly Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be some more shots of her in my drawers at the way bottom of this review.

And Evangeline Lilly wasn’t the only hot actress in this one. We were blessed enough to have a few minutes of screen time with Cate Blanchett as Galadriel, and i was pretty glad-real that a woman who looks like this appeared in the film.

Cate Blanchett Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be some solo shots of her rolling around in my drawers at the bottom of the post as well.

Silken Butterflies

They tried to hide how hot Peggy Nesbitt (real life daughter James Nesbitt, the actor who plays Bofur) was but despite limiting her screen time to a tragic little, her beauty shone through. She played the oldest daughter of some Lakeville hero called Bard, but we’ll be remembering her face a lot longer than his. Because it looks like this.

Drink: 0 Shots

Yeah, there was even less booze here than there was in the other ones.

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

Four shots and i don’t have to tell you it had nothing to do with the music and don’t make me prove it by forcing you to listen again to the song i already posted at the top up there. Nope, the four shots here is all action and there was enough of it in this movie. Sure, there could’ve been more but at least what they had here was killer.

The movie starts out with Smaug attacking Laketown and this is done really fucking well. Jackson doesn’t shy away from the action, he gets right up into it, close and personal, and he doesn’t skimp on it either. There’s some meat to the battle and it isn’t repetitive either. Plus, the special effects are so good you forget they’re special effects.

Then if you think that was good, wait until the final battle. It takes up the entire last third of the movie and while some people may think this is too long (like those who whined about all the action that was in the third Transformers), the epic war didn’t feel drawn out at all. The whole time i watched it, i was thinking about the grandiose spectacle of the thing and really had a great time. This kind of action is what going to the movies is supposed to be about.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

J.R.R. Tolkien – novel “The Hobbit”
Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson & Guillermo del Toro – screenplay

Directed by: Peter Jackson

Starring

Evangeline Lilly – Tauriel
Cate Blanchett – Galadriel
Benedict Cumberbatch – Smaug / Necromancer
Lee Pace – Thranduil
Luke Evans – Bard
Richard Armitage – Thorin Oakenshield
Orlando Bloom – Legolas
Martin Freeman – Bilbo Baggins
Ian McKellen – Gandalf
Manu Bennett – Azog

Bottom Line

See it. So much better than the first two. And the best part is, you don’t even have to see (or remember) the first two to enjoy this one.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Booze Revooze of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

WTF review of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

WTF review of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

WTF review of The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Fernby Films review of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

After this there’s no more words, just pictures that are worth a lot more (and are even more mildly NSFW than all the other shit up there.)

Evangeline Lilly

Evangeline Lilly in the Bar None

Cate Blanchett

Cate Blanchett in the Bar None

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Ramblings:

Final Proof: 2½ out of 5

You know you get drunk at home on a weeknight? The evening starts out with a cocktail of three fingers of Jack black label in a dirty glass while you watch local news and kick your shoes off without untying the laces. You get your TV dinner out of the microwave and eat off your lap while watching reruns and gulping swigs of 3.2 beer. For desert you scoop ice cream out of the soggy carton and shovel it directly into your mouth while your t-shirt keeps slipping over your belly and you have to pause between bites to burp. This absolutely mundane experience that replays on your living room sofa every night is exactly what Jack Reacher was like.

“I see you ordered the re-hash.”

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back missed a good opportunity to be direct-to-DVD. The story is less interesting than most tv series i watch and reminds me of an old episode from some late 90s cop show. The action was lifted from a Starsky & Hutch rerun, the jokes were from some Saturday morning cartoon and the New Orleans set was so obviously back-lot Hollywood that I expected some NCIS agent to step out of the shadows to make a bust.

A Cheap Shot

It’s just all so disappointing. i’m trying damned hard to be the only man left in the world who doesn’t hate Tom Cruise for something but it’s getting harder and harder to say, “Yeah, but did you see him in Tropic Thunder? He was cool as fuck!” Plus he’s getting old and there were some scenes where the CGI wasn’t enough to scrub his wrinkles.

“Who you calling ‘Fat Face’?”

And this is the thing that bugged me the most… i wanted to like it. As i agree with Saint Pauly over at the competition’s blog that John Wick was a waste of celluloid, i was hoping Tom would cruise in and build off the excitment he tried to rub out in the first Jack Reacher. Already that one had a hard enough time delivering the goods with any kind of consistency, but then this one came along and was even slower? WTF!? Hell, i’m not even sad for me, i’m sad for Cobie Smulders who’s as cool as hell and broke out of How I Wasted Six Seasons of Your Life Meeting Your Dead Mother to be a famous movie star and then ends up as a bit player in the Marvel Comical Universe and gets short changed on roles in films like this one. Let’s give her the credit she deserves, Barmaids and Beerhounds!

Basically, if you’re in the mood to watch a tv show at the movies, this is a movie for you.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

There was no shortage of lovely ladies in the film but unfortunately, the boring-ness [it wasn’t a word but it is now – get over it] got in the way and was so distracting it was hard to appreciate the beauty and talent of Marvel Avengers Maria Hill (AKA Cobie Smulders).

There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers, down below

There was even a scene in a motel toward the beginning where she walked around in a military reinforced bra for a couple of minutes, but if you want the sexy, you should stay here instead.

Jack Reacher also had a teen interest (like a love interest but a teen included not for romance but inserted into movies as millennial magnets) in the guise of the very cute Danika Yarosh, which is slavic for this:

There’ll be shots of her in the drawers, as well

Finally, the young and attractive Madalyn Horcher played Sgt. Leach, a young non-com who never got sexier than her military fatigues so y’all came to the right place to catch this kind of action.

Silken Butterflies

The ever so lovely Abbie Gayle made an appearance as “Senior Girl #1” and the film was all the better for it. Maybe they should’ve put her in more often and longer to make the film as good as this shot looks.

Drink: 0 shots

The complete and total absence of alcohol was a little disturbing, to be honest – and i’m a teetotaler.

Rock & Roll: 2 shots

Not nearly as much action as you deserve.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: 

Lee Child for the book
Richard Wenk, Edward Zwick, and Marshall Herskovitz for the screenplay

Directed by: Edward Zwick

Starring

Cobie Smulders – Susan Turner
Danika Yarosh – Samantha Dayton
Madalyn Horcher – Sgt. Leach
Tom Cruise – Jack Reacher
Aldis Hodge – Espin

Bottom Line

See the first one again or wait for John Wick 2, but leave this one alone until it comes on your favorite website.

The Drawers (NSFW)

Be warned that the shots that follow are of the sexy nature, so if you’re looking at it with bosses or kids (or a boss who is a kid) around then you have no one to blame except your curiosity. Because i just warned your ass.

Cobie Smulders

Cobie Smulders in the Bar None

Danika Yarosh

Another Round

Bar None 0-5 Shot booze revooze of The Avengers

0-5 Shots Booze Revooze of Edge of Tomorrow

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Ramblings:

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk with your best friend? You wake up early and take a long shower and grab an unhealthy breakfast on your way to work and you try to pay attention but it’s so goddamn boring so you write down to-do lists of things you’ll never do and do this in every fucking meeting until lunch time when you eat something that upsets your stomach not enough to make you sick but enough you feel like shit but still you return to your desk all afternoon and then you go home and the traffic’s not too bad so you park and then you sit down on the sofa in front of the tv and you almost nod off and why not, you don’t have any plans but then your friend texts you and says to go out and you’ve got nothing better to do so you debate taking a shower and decide it’s a good idea (if you’re a girl) or that it’s not worth it (if you’re a guy) and then you get dressed and head out and get drunk. That’s what Doctor Strange was like: all back story and build up and not enough action.

i had high hopes for this movie and it turns out i should’ve been the one high and not my hopes because this movie is trippy as fuck. Which you would think would be a good thing until you see it and then you realize it’s some kind of 70s acid flashback, much like the comic itself.

There was even this one scene i won’t talk about because spoilers but it went on too long in the same way the card scene in Now You See Me 2 went on too long. Plus it was too hippy, even for me, and I have a “high” tolerance for hippy, no pun intended even if I put it in quotes so you didn’t miss it.

But apart from that, it was perfect, right? Welllllll, not so much. My main complaint about the Doctor wasn’t his drugs but his life story. They spent so much time on his origins and his background and his back story that i felt like i was at a fucking history lecture and not a movie. By the time “Make Me” Mads Mikkelsen arrives to kick the story into gear, everyone’s pretty much already gone to sleep.

But apart from the 70sr style and long ass explanations, the movie was really good. They stole special effects from Inception and stole them super well because it looked cool as hell. The directing was decent and the actors did a great job. Benedict Cumberbatch and his American accent were good enough that people may even start being able to remember and pronounce his name.

My final verdict is you should see the movie. A 3 out of 5 isn’t bad unless it’s your final grade because 60% sucks, but in movie ratings it’s decent. This movie falls somewhere between the first Captain America flick and Winter Soldier, so it’s entertaining enough for at least one good watch.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1½ shots

Poor little Rachel McAdams had to carry all the sex appeal of this movie by herself and she’s the kind of good looking that can do it, but it was hard because she was in doctor’s scrubs the whole damn time and not looking enough like this.

Rachel McAdams Wallpaper (Click on the shot for a wallpaper)

Drink: 1 shot

The only, and i swear to god this is true, drink reference in the whole fucking film comes during the after-credits scene where Doctor Strange is hanging out with Thor. He asks Thor if he wants some tea, but Thor says he doesn’t like tea so the Doctor magically changes the tea cup into a giant beer stein and refills it again after Thor chugs the first one. ☕ ⇒

Benedict Cumberbatch in the Bar None Wallpaper (Click on the image for a wallpaper)

Rock & Roll: 2 shots

The action wasn’t as good as the special effects, that’s for sure. And the special effects were so good i was kinda bummed i saw it in 2D, especially the scene where Stephen Strange has an LSD drug trip. i know i said it was too long, but what I meant was, while the scene looked cool, it didn’t fit in with the rest of the movie. And it was too long.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: 

Steve Ditko (comic)

Jon Spaihts, Scott Derrickson, C. Robert Cargill (screenplay)

Directed by: Scott Derrickson

Starring

Tilda Swinton – The Ancient One

Rachel McAdams – Christine Palmer

Benedict Cumberbatch – Dr. Stephen Strange

Mads Mikkelsen – Kaecilius

Chiwetel Ejiofor – Mordo

Benedict Wong – Wong

Bottom Line

Watch it to say you did, but then watch Batman v Superman again instead of rewatching this one.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of Tom Reaching

Audio dregs pirate pod cask of another Marvel-ous movie

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

What follows, Barmaids and Beerhounds, it’s even less fit for human eyes than what you’ve already seen, and on top of that it’s NSFW. If you read on, you have no one to blame but your hormones.

Being the imperfect gentleman that i am, i’ll start off with a little one for the ladies (at least that’s what i always tell them). Here’s some shots of the Cumberbatch…

Benedict Cumberbatch

Benedict Cumberbatch Wallpaper (Click on the image for a wallpaper)

Rachel McAdams

Rachel McAdams in the Bar None

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